- Couples should not sway together. This morning, while sitting in a worship service at church, I noticed the couple in front of me. This particular couple was made up of a girl taller than guy scenario - not ideal. No offense, but girls taller than guys in relationships is just flat out weird. Okay, so this couple began to sway. Not side to side - front to back. Maybe its more of a rock than a sway. But the tallshe began the act. Soon enough, the short guy that mildly resembled an older version of Buddy Lembeck was rocking with. Front to back. Front to back. Inappropriate.
- Couples should not sit in the same side of the booth together. There are two sides of the booth for a reason. Use them, douchebag. It is perfectly acceptable to use go one coke, two straws, but you can't properly share said coke when you are on the same side of the booth.
- Couples should not have a 'song.' This has never been kosher, that is, blessed by a Rabbi. Why do you need to identify your relationship with a particular song? Do you think that the artist had you in mind when they recorded it? Get a flipping clue, boss. Now, let me be frank - I have tried to have a song with girlfriends in the past. Seventh grade - my first girlfriend. Kim Hale. I would call Power 103.7 in Abilene at night and attempt to request a song for Kim. It was Shai - Baby, I'm Yours. I would call time after time (and it was a long distance call from Sweetwater to Abilene at the time) and request Shai. And, time after time, the guy on the other end of the line would tell me that they did not have that song. They would still include my dedication, "This one goes out to Kimberly from Justin... he says what's up." That, friend, is a sign. No songs. No way.
- Couples should not announce to others when they are 'trying.' This has come up recently, being as we are surrounding ourselves with more and more preggers. I have an overactive imagination. The last thing I need is to have an image of you 'trying' creeping into my head and making me laugh. It's just distracting.
- Finally, couples should not 'go' in front of one another. This is a private act. In fact, I maintain that my wife does not 'go.' I 'go.' If it offends you, that's fine, but I 'go' daily. I am what they call "reg-u-lar." However, somewhere, some way the path got twisted. Someone felt it appropriate to do this most gross of human actions in front of one another. Close the door. And, if the door is closed - respect that. Don't beat on the door. Don't ask how things are going because I don't really want to give a play-by-play and I don't have someone to provide the color. There was a moment - probably a year in to mine and Joanna's relationship - when we were at her parents' house in Arlington. I was about to get in the shower and had closed the door. I turned on the shower, then sat to urinate. I was tired, and didn't feel like standing. So I sat. The next thing I know my girlfriend is walking in the door to get a hairbrush or somesuch, and I am stark naked peeing sitting down. See, moments like this can be avoided if you don't 'go' in front of one another.
Let these words pour over you and cover you with enlightenment. Ommm.
