Sunday, June 18, 2006


Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this arena are of sole purpose to educate and capitulate others. The author does not take responsibility for said views and opinions to be incorrect or against your 'religion.' Furthermore, the author has only been wrong 5 times in his entire life - an average of once per half-decade - and it is unlikely that he will offer his one mistake to this mole hill.

THEORY: You are not officially human until you are 1 year of age. Additionally, being of 1 year of age does not completely mean that you are human.

EVIDENCE: I don't care who you are - what your x or y chromosomes are about, or how 'hot' you think your mother-in-law was as a Varsity Cheerleader in high school. Your baby is not necessarily cute... your baby is an alien.

I have had this conversation before and will have it again. I believe that there is no such thing as a cute baby. How can something be 'cute' after passing through that baby-shooting portal?

Let's compare this to produce shopping. Let's say you have a banana and carry that banana in a ziploc full of vinegar, and that ziploc bag full of vinegar inside of a balloon for the better part of a year. Now pop the ziploc and then shove the banana through the small opening in the balloon. Okay, you can expand your opening enough to make room for the banana.

No matter how you slice and or seal it - some damage to your banana is going to occur. It may take the banana a little time to get back into proper produce-like shape.

Same for your baby.

My best estimate is that it takes approximately one year for your child to take on actual human form.

Perhaps a visual would help:

Fetus = Alien.

So when a child has its birth-moment... it still looks pretty much like this.

Again - after about a year I believe that you take on human form and it is only at that point that I will consider said child human.

However, there have been some notable beings that have not taken on human form.

Exhibit A - Sam Cassell

Still a fetus. Still an alien.

Exhibit B - Keith Richards

Still alive? Still not human.

And yes, this rule will apply to even the fruit of my very own loins in their time. No one is immune, and all eventually must pass through this portal into manhood, womanhood and, if relevant, humanhood.

All my best...