My wife tells me, often, that I need to think before I speak.
My reply normally consists of doing the monkey-face blow back at her. Classic rebuttal.
Do I think before I speak? Most of the time. But when I think, I normally think about 1)how shocking or 2)how self-amusing what I am about to say will be.
Let’s take a look at some fateful moments in my past which I shocked my audience.
1) “You’ve been in a terrible mood lately. It’s probably because you’re pregnant.” Those words came out of my mouth in an impromptu meeting circa 1994. I was in 7th grade. The people attending that meeting were myself, Knucklehead Lance, our school’s Vice Principal and my Special Projects Art teacher, to whom the comment was directed. Still, to this day, I contend that she had it out for me—and I wasn’t the one that knocked her up.
2) “Where’d you park your Harley, butch?” Ahh, college. My first class in college was volleyball. And my volleyball teacher, well, she was suspect numero uno for tranny-dom. So, one day, under my breath, I said what I said. She was close enough to hear. That’s the story on how I got a B in volleyball.
3) “Let’s be honest, you’re not a real teacher, so you don’t have to have an attitude.” Sophomore year in college. I was the only sophomore in a Freshman level English class (not that I was an idiot, no, in fact I finished with enough English hours for an undeclared English minor). My ‘teacher’ was a grad student. On the second day of class, she said to me (in front of the class, mind you), “Justin, just because you’re the only sophomore in the class doesn’t mean you have to have an attitude.” Boom does the dynamite. She came at me full force. So, as you can see, my reply had to put her in her place. She hated me.
4) “Scott’s got a Zorro fetish.” Want to know an easy way to get a rise out of an executive? Shoot the wheels off of a meeting you’re in with them. I was in a meeting with one of our executives and we were being pitched by a very bad product that focused on movies. When I realized it was a waste of my time, I began trying to see how far I could get the meeting off task and possibly make the executive have to excuse himself. So, when Zorro was brought up… I felt it only natural.
5) “I think Darius Rucker said it best.” This was the opening line of my British Lit final exam. The prompt was to discuss Shakespeare’s Sonnet 73. I knew what the Sonnet was. I still know bits and pieces. It’s about time, that elusive marksman that ages us all. I had a firey case of writer’s block… so I began to quote Hootie & the Blowfish.
That’s it. Those are my top five no-mulligan-necessary moments. Stay tuned—because the day’s not over.