I Fear the Mannequin

I want to be frank. Not Frank. Frank can be frank, while still being Frank. Me, I just want to be frank.

Mannequins freak me out.

Some kids were scared of clowns. Others were terrified of mascots.

For me it was mannequins.

First, the spelling of the word mannequin is off-kilter. It’s one of those words that just seems to be walking around with its nose in the air and saying, “Look at me, I have a ‘q’ in my name that you pronounce as a ‘k.’ I’m sooo much better than you.”

I don’t like words that think they are better than me.

I don’t like the way mannequins are posed. Not so recently I was walking through a reputable department store when I noticed how contorted this pale, faceless pseudo-man was. He was wearing nice clothes—yes, but when I put on my Sunday best I don’t drop my left shoulder, lift my head, rabbit-arm my right arm and slightly bend my left knee. Listen, I took anatomy when I was in high school. I know that the anatomical position means that the human is upright and facing forward, allowing for the body to be sliced along the coronal plane.

And hear me—I don’t think that the anatomical position is the best way for us to display clothes in department stores.

I just don’t know why the powers that be have to go and Marilyn Manson our pseudo-humans to display clothes to convince us to buy them.

The way they stand has never convinced me to buy the clothes on them. In fact, more often than not, it discourages me from doing so.

I don’t know the exact solution.

Maybe we should all decide to contort ourselves. Would that be better? I think some sort of meeting in the middle should occur between us and our plastic counterparts. I believe Diamond Rio would be all for that.

And I support anything that the Poison of country music supports.

Or, perhaps mannequins should conform to our world. I think the GREAT Andrew McCarthy might have something to say about that (http://imdb.com/title/tt0093493/ ), seeing as how the girl of his dreams, Kim Cattrall, was a mannequin, which he created, that came to life.

My plan—let’s get rid of mannequins AS WE KNOW THEM. Why not just hire people to model clothes in-store?

Think about it—no more weird, contorted or posed fake-people (who really ever sits like the Thinking Man besides mannequins?). Instead, it’s a way to boost our economy. We’re creating jobs. why not just pay some poor, but well-kept schlep to stand on the same platform and smile?

Couldn’t we all use a little less mannequin and a little more schlep in our lives?