Tiled Floors and Flabby Bodies

The men's locker room might be one of the most awkward places in the free world.

I work out at the local YMCA every day during lunch. And I sweat. So, as a refresher, I will shower before buttoning up and returning to my office.

The YMCA is a very nice facility - mostly clean - and I enjoy my time working out. It is the before and after I am bound and determine to change... the locker room.

There is no other place in the world you will find men ranging from 20-65 clothing and unclothing themselves at the same time. And believe me - it is not the nakedness that bothers me... wait, I dont want you to think I prefer old men in the nude... or men at all (young or old). Do you see what I mean? This is awfully uncomfortable.

I have some issues with the Men's Locker room I was hoping we could address:

1. Is small talk necessary? It never fails. I am changing - let's say putting on a pair of socks, and some guy walks in the locker room. Instinct makes me look up - eye contact. Dang it! Now I am trapped. In a very non-thought provoking manner he musters, "Weather sure is nice." Am I required to respond to this? Do I need to talk about "weather" or "the game" with this dude who I have never spoken to before?
2. Haven't we moved past the briefs? I guess small talk leads me to being the wardrobe consultant... because as I continue fighting through his babble of jet streams and his shock collar on his dog I notice that he has dropped trow and is standing in front of me in briefs. Nothing more - except the argyle dress socks. Briefs man! Briefs! Yes, Tom Cruise did a wonderful job in Risky Business and made them cool. Yes, at one time I wore them - actually painted the Ultimate Warrior's logo on them. But briefs! It is all I can do to prevent myself from drop-kicking this idiot in the mouth and telling him to go directly to Target for a nice plaid boxer.
3. What about the spray deoderant? I swear to you - it doesn't matter where I am in the locker room - the second someone uses the spray deoderant I get that awful taste in my nose and my mouth. Not necessary! Get the stick and move on!
4. Can we get a ruling on going to and fro the showers? Its bad enough that the showers are crawling with every type of eczema there is - but the trip - the actual walk to and from is really awkward. I dont want to be the guy who throws the towel over my shoulder and jaunts toward the showers. I dont want to be the guy who wears his boxers under his towel to the showers. Where can I fit in between? I prefer to confidently drop trow next to my locker (as a show of masculinity) and then cover myself adequately with my towel (in respect to those around me) to the effect that hands are not needed to hold the towel up (again - confidence).

These four things plague my corporate life almost every day. It's almost sickening to tell you the truth. And yes, I have thought to myself, "Why am I analyzing this so much?" Because I dont want to be the guy who over exposing his "welcome" (largely considered gay - not gay-gay, but gay) and I dont want to be the guy who squirrels in and out, unsure of his place.

Either way - you lose.

Okay - time to go work out.