Don't buy the hot dogs...

Yesterday Joanna and I had our first experience with the world of professional racing - and all that implies. Yes, there were sun burnt red necks passed out face down in the grass. Yes, obesity had no regard for clothing size. Yes, there were women who looked like they had man-parts somewhere. Just to encourage you to embrace the world of cars making four lefts - Joanna and I have compiled a list of five tips for you...

TIPS TO SURVIVING A DAY AT THE RACES

1. Wear normal shoes. These venues are huge - and there is alot of walking involved. The last thing you want is to have the guy in the bucket hat in front of you asking you if he could massage your toes because he thinks they are "pretty." The offer if weird enough - but when you get asked and your wife doesn't - things get down right awkward.
2. Ear Plugs. Contrary to popular thought - Target does sell ear plugs. And you WILL need them. These machines are loud. And you will seiously get tired of the phrase "Git er dun."
3. BYOE. Bring your own everything. Drinks are $4 (that is a bottled water - not the $11 margarita). Bring snacks - heck, bring a boar's head sandwich from Kroger because it will beat the shriveled hot link they called a cajun sausage and charged me $5 for.
4. Rent a scanner. If you have to sit for three hours with something on your head or in your ears - it might as well be entertaining. The races almost become solitary confinement - the ear plugs prevent you from having any conversation with anyone except yourself. The scanners rent for $35 (and a $100 deposit) but allow you to tune in to the pit's communicae with the driver. This is not only a way to hear Danica's sultry voice - but also a way to learn the strategies these people use.
5. Embrace it. Most of the people I know wouldn't set foot at TMS unless it were in an all-inclusive suite. If you are going to be amongst the people you should become one of the people. This means standing on the first pass out of a caution - waiving or whooping for a pass - and, if necessary, making out with a blood relative.

Don't get us wrong - Joanna and I loved our experience with the Bombadier LearJet 500. Now I own an IRL (Indy Racing League) cap and our nephew has a sweet pair of checkered flag socks. This is an experience like no other and we respect it as that. We didn't put down payments on his and her choppers or make plans to rent a RV to become a groupie - but we now feel a little more cultured after being there. And that is worth its weight in empty beer cans.